When did I become this thing?
I used to be normal. I was normal in High School. I used to do normal things like walk around outside while it was light out, look at stores, talk to friends about normal things, believing in the laws of society.
I can’t do any of that anymore. Now I’m a freak.
I go back and forth between extremes in a bipolar psychosis. My first natural state is sitting at the library for hours going through stacks of heavily theoretical texts, churning out essays by the hour, memorizing thousands of art history slides, artist, name, date, medium, location. Empty cups of coffee lined up at the side of my desk, humungous bags under my eyes, whisps of greasy hair stuck to my forehead, glasses askew, smelling like one thousand rabid dogs.
The other side of me is a behemoth of drunkness. It starts slowly, maybe just a large peroni or a gin and tonic. Then the Satanic influences emerge. I become a psychotic creature who must always have a drink in hand and will resort to any means to get more alcohol. I make other people drink like never before. I never want to go home, I just want to rage in the streets, ruining the lives of innocent bystanders. Peeing on everything, A vicious plague that infests the city, just hobbling around screaming at strangers.
I am incapable of human interaction, or of talking about “normal” things, I find everything boring and pointless. I find other people repulsive. I believe that 99% of people are idiots. The only things that I am interested in talking about are vomit and cats.
I feel like a vagrant, slowly floating through life and observing everything through a heavy film of indifference.
I don’t understand the most basic concepts of life. Why do people live in apartments? It seems so odd to go back to the same place every night to go to sleep. Why doesn’t everyone just fall asleep wherever they are? Who cares about property? I don’t have shit anyway, why don’t I just sleep right here on the sidewalk, I don’t have to walk all the way over there just to sleep and wake up and then walk back here.
Everything is absurd.
I love hating everything.
